The secret to confidence? It’s not what you think
Confidence isn't about knowing it all - it's about knowing yourself.
Most people think confidence comes from skills, experience, or being naturally outspoken. If you’re knowledgeable enough, if you’ve been in the game long enough, if you can walk into a room and command attention, then you’ll feel confident, right?
Not really.
Real confidence doesn’t come from what you know. It comes from knowing yourself.
It’s not about how much experience you have, whether you’re an extrovert, or how comfortable you are in front of a crowd.
👉 Confidence comes from clarity: about who you are, what you stand for, and what you don’t.
And a big part of that? Your Values.
Why Your Values Are a Confidence Anchor
When you’re unclear on your values, confidence feels shaky. You might:
Second-guess your decisions because you’re not sure what truly matters to you.
Feel doubt and hesitation because you don’t have an internal guide.
Default to people-pleasing instead of standing firm in what’s right for you.
Burn out from constantly saying yes to things that don’t align.
Without values as an anchor, it’s easy to be pulled in different directions, to shape yourself around expectations instead of standing firm in what you believe.
But when you’re clear on your values, everything shifts.
→ You trust yourself more.
→ Decisions feel easier.
→ Boundaries become clearer.
→ You stop seeking external validation.
Instead of wondering, “Am I making the right choice?” you start asking, “Does this align with who I am?”
That’s where confidence comes from. Not knowing everything, but knowing yourself.
For a Long Time, I Didn’t Get This.
For years, I didn’t really think about my personal values. If you’d asked me what they were, I might’ve listed the ‘popular’ ones—integrity, honesty, courage, collaboration—because they sounded good.
But could I explain what they meant to me? Could I say them with conviction? No.
And honestly, I didn’t think I needed to. Values felt like one of those corporate buzzwords. They were plastered on office walls. But sometimes, they didn’t even reflect the actual culture of the company.
I knew they were important, but I didn’t see how they really connected to my own life.
Then, a few years ago, I hit a turning point. (More on that another time!)
I knew my current situation wasn’t serving me.
I knew I needed to make a change.
But I had no idea how to decide what was next.
And that’s when I realised: I had no idea who I was outside of work.
Besides being a mum, I didn’t know how to define myself without my job title. I didn’t know what truly mattered to me, what my version of success was, or what I was willing to walk away from.
That was a confronting realisation.
How I figured out My Values (aka my playbook)
I resisted the idea of ‘defining my values’ for a long time. But when I finally did the work, here’s what actually helped me:
I Googled a list of values. (No shame, it’s a great starting point!)
I circled the ones that gave me a gut reaction. The ones that felt right, even if I couldn’t explain why.
I crossed out the ones that didn’t feel as strong. If I had to convince myself it was a value, clearly it wasn’t one for me!
I grouped similar ones together. For example, ‘passion’ and ‘energy’ meant the same thing to me…and after a long ponder, I landed with ‘enthusiasm’ being the one that was ‘it’.
I sat with them. I didn’t rush. I let them marinate. Some stayed, some dropped off. The list evolved over months.
The biggest shift happened when I started defining what these words actually meant to me. Not just generic definitions, but using examples from my own life. I asked myself:
When have I felt most in alignment?
When have I felt completely off?
What triggers me, and what does that say about what I value?
That’s when my values actually started feeling real.
How I Use My Values to Build Confidence
Once I had them, they became my personal compass.
📌 I printed them out so they were visible (and I made them pretty in Canva so that they were visually appealing for me to look at!)
📌 I checked in with them when I felt stuck. If something felt off, was it because I was misaligned?
📌 I used them to shift my energy. If I was frustrated, was it because integrity or enthusiasm were missing?
📌 I used them to set boundaries. Sometimes, confidence comes from knowing when to step away.
Your values aren’t a set-and-forget thing. They evolve. They refine. They help you grow into who you’re meant to be.
And when you’re clear on them, confidence follows, because you trust yourself to figure it out.
Your Turn: Do you have a clear sense of your values? Have they changed over time? Drop a comment - I’d love to hear.
Deep Dive (for those who want more)
🎧 Dr Em - What are your values? | The Imperfects Podcast
📖 Dare to Lead | Brené Brown (the audio book adds extra oomph)
📺 Discover your Core Values | The Science of People with Vanessa Edwards
Let’s connect!
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